Zombies gather to talk about the new film "Zombieland."
The chairman bangs down his blood-soaked gavel.
"The first meeting of the Society for the Preservation of Zombies will come to order," says the chairman as munching sounds fill the auditorium.
"As you all know, another zombie movie has been made. It's called 'Zombieland,' and once again we're the bad guys. I don't know about you, but I am just sick to death about our exploitive and prejudicial portrayal by Hollywood. In this latest film, we populate the United States, which is, of course, a good thing. Unfortunately, a few living humans still exist and rather than join our happy family of flesh-eaters, they fight back and try to kill us. Can you believe that?!"
A lusty chorus of boos echoes throughout the auditorium followed by several loud belches.
"The film is narrated by a wimp played by Jesse Eisenberg. Apparently, Hollywood's other nerd du jour, Michael Cera, wasn't available. Anyway, Eisenberg's character has established a set of rules he follows to protect himself from us. They include 'cardio' so he can outrun us. Note to members: We have to join a gym so we can catch these health freaks. The most distasteful rule is 'double tap.' That means two gunshots to make sure we're dead. Or, more accurately, doubly dead. Talk about overkill.
"The wimp explains that he has relationship problems, exacerbated by multiple phobias. He's even afraid of clowns."
Snickers mix with slurping noises.
"In one scene, a hottie played by Amber Heard enters his dorm room scared out of her mind after her encounter with one of us. She has the nerve to call us homeless. Anyway, just when the wimp thinks he finally has found companionship, the girl turns into a zombie. So how does he her treat now? He smashes her in the face with a slab of porcelain, not just once but twice. Yes, another double tap.
"What's worse, the audience at the screening I attended found this funny. In fact, they were laughing throughout this fiasco. The person next to me said the movie reminded him of 'Shaun of the Dead,' another alleged zombie comedy. I was so angry I wanted to bite his face off. Actually, I did just that while the end credits were rolling.
"Matters only get worse when the wimp hits the road and meets a redneck maniac played by Woody Harrelson, who - are you ready for this - enjoys killing zombies. To avoid any emotional ties, the characters refer to themselves by cities they hail from, so the wimp is called Columbus and the maniac Tallahassee.
"While Columbus wants to go home to Ohio to see if his parents are still alive, Tallahassee seems to have no pressing needs. With one exception, he craves Twinkies. Is that a shameless product plug or what? We all know that Devil Dogs rule.
"Once on the road, which comes littered with abandoned vehicles and even a mangled airplane, this odd couple meets two sisters, Wichita, played by Emma Stone, and Little Rock played by 'Little Miss Sunshine' herself, Abigail Breslin. I'm not sure what's more disturbing - watching a little girl blow away ghouls or wondering if the filmmakers know that Wichita and Little Rock are in different states.
"Some trust issues need to get worked out along the way with these killjoys. They do take time out from their bickering to murder us in horrific ways. In one scene, a nun drops a piano on one of us. Thanks a lot, twisted sister.
"At least the film has the decency to show us doing what we do best - ripping off body parts, munching on intestines and spewing streams of bile. It's really gross, really gory and really great.
"In a scene designed to show the characters bonding, they lay waste to a Native American trinket store while Mozart's 'Marriage of Figaro' overture plays in the background. OK, what drugs did screenwriters Rhett 'Don't Call Me Butler' Reese and Paul Wernick ingest?
"This fearsome foursome then head out to California so Little Rock can go to a theme park called Pacific Playland. The sisters don't believe any zombies hang out there.
"Before arriving at the park, they make a detour to visit the Beverly Hills home of a famous movie star who shall go nameless so as not to spoil the surprise. I have to admit I even laughed my decaying derriere off during this scene. It comes loaded with pop culture references and a dig at one of the star's more forgettable films.
"Then it's back to more zombie butchering as Wichita takes Little Rock to the theme park and lights up all the lights. Think that might attract a few zombies? Did she really think we weren't in California? I don't know about you, but I love chowing down on surfer dudes. They're already salted.
"Anyway, this scene simply provides rookie director Ruben Fleischer an excuse to massacre hundreds of innocent zombies in grisly ways. Some amusement park! What have we ever done to him? All we want to do to cannibalize in peace. Is that so wrong?
"The first order of business tonight is to issue an AZB - All Zombie Bulletin - for Harrelson, who seems to have been born for this part. Virtually every thing he said and did in this film cracked up the audience. He even showed a soft side. Then he took out a pair of hedge clippers and...Well, all I have to say is this ruthless killer needs to have his liver removed and devoured right now!
"The rest of the cast would make a delicious appetizer. Eisenberg has that vulnerable thing going for him and Stone, well, I wouldn't leave her unturned. And Breslin is even cute when she's killing. She blames violent video games.
"In case any of you are wondering if this film is scary, the answer is no. That is, unless you find wholesale slaughter scary. This movie has very little in common with George Romero's horror shows and their silly subtexts. This one basically spouts a message about the value of humanity. Gag me with a spleen.
"The laughs do diminish when 'Zombieland' gets warm and fuzzy, but that's the price you pay when you dabble in character development. Who needs to develop characters when they're better off digested?
"So my fellow zombies, I say it's time to act to make sure no more cinematic abominations like this ever get made again, though sadly a 'Zombieland' sequel looks plausible as a big box office awaits. Clearly, the public has no taste. I say we contact our congressmen and get the government on our side."
A zombie raises his hand. The chairman recognizes him.
"But I just ate my congressman."
The chairman looks out into the audience and sees a smorgasbord of human consumption.
He clears his throat. "I bet he tasted like pork."
"Zombieland" opens Friday
MetroWest Daily News
Starring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin
Rated R (for horror violence/gore and profanity), 83 minutes
Directed by Ruben Fleischer