At a time when our nation’s collective weight is rising faster than the national debt, colleges are actually taking away one of the most popular and vital pieces of sports equipment available to students.

    I’m speaking, of course, of cafeteria lunch trays.

    In a misguided effort to save money, colleges are eliminating cafeteria trays, forcing students — their minds already swirling with plans for world peace, cleaning up the environment and Friday night’s frat party — to juggle their plates, glasses, books, laptops, iPods, etc. as they waddle to their tables.

    As my longtime readers well know, I generally refrain from commenting on subjects I know something about. It’s too easy, and besides, what’s the point?

    But having worked in a college cafeteria and cleaned up many messes, I feel I have to speak up about this important issue.

    Mark my words, continuation of this dangerous policy will have the following results:

    1) Colleges will see a rise in food spills, which will have to be cleaned up by my proud successors in the nation’s dining halls.

    2) Despite our nation’s concerns about security, trayless students will be left defenseless in the event of a sudden food fight. Also, members of the football squad may instead use their smaller classmates for protection.

    3) And by far most important, students will be deprived of the greatest of all college wintertime sports — downhill traying.

    I was fortunate enough to attend a college that boasted the world’s leading downhill traying venue. Students from all over the world came to tackle the dreaded Deadman’s Hill. (OK, they came from all around north campus and it was called Pencader Hill.)

    I still recall my first downhill traying experience, though some details are a little vague, for reasons that will become clear.

    Cafeteria trays in hand, my roommates and I climbed the hill, which was steep and dangerous-looking, especially near the bottom, where a tree’s large, low-hanging branch blocked the way.

    No problem! said my roommates, who were downhill veterans. It only looks like you’re going to run right smack into the branch, they said. At the last second the path zigs to the left and you’re home free.

    Unfortunately, I was about to take a graduate-level class in the School of Hard Knocks.

    Just like an Olympic skier — at least one who was using a cafeteria tray for the first time — I took off down the hill.

    Racing to the bottom, I saw the tree ahead and the surprisingly thick low-hanging branch. Wow, I thought to myself, it really does look like I’m going to run right into ...

    WHAM!

    This is where things became a little foggy.

    I got up woozily as my friends congratulated me on being the only downhill trayer to successfully strike the tree that evening.

    On the plus side, I wasn’t bleeding much. On the minus side, that was only because it was too cold outside. Once inside, I bled like a pig.

    But I’ll always recall my battle with the tree with pride, at least the part I can remember.

    So to college presidents across the land, I say, keep those cafeteria trays.

    And consider adding helmets.

    Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send emails to dflood287@comcast.net.